I'm Not A Doctor...But I Should Be Paid Like One

Okay...I'm officially done with my doctors! I need to get off this roller coaster ride immediately. I am going on strike (for at least three months). This picture accurately expresses how I felt on the ride they have taken my on.

I saw my neurosurgeon yesterday, and just as expected he gave me different information and advice than my oncologist. Aren't these people supposed to work together for a greater cause...ME! My oncologist thinks that we need to wait three more months, have another MRI, evaluate it again at that time. Okay, fine. I can deal with that. I've only been dealing with it FOR SIX YEARS!!! What's another three months? I actually prefer for them to not bother me for another six months. But whatever. It's only time. But in her words, "The tumor is not all that impressive." WHAT?! Way to have some compassion, lady! It's a tumor, could still be cancerous, is definitely still growing, has already done major and permanent damage, but it's not significant enough for them to do anything with at this point. Yeah! Heard that before. Then, when the tumor continued to grow it was too big to do cyberknife radiation, so have a second surgery. Now, let me get this straight, it's too small? My neurosurgeon, of course, is opting for the surgery. Oh, big surprise on that one. Imagine that. A surgeon wanting to make more money by doing another surgery. I guess everyone has to make a living somehow...

So these are my options: do nothing (so far this is the one I'm leaning towards), have a THIRD surgery (that may be the death of me, or just permanently paralyze me) or maybe if the tumor continues to grow, cyberknife might be a possibility, but that's undetermined (until it's too late). Do any of these sound remotely positive? Am I being too much of a negative nancy?

AAAHHHHHH! I'm frustrated! Are these my only options? I mean, REALLY? I know this is a rare cancer. And I know it is even more rare that I've had a recurrent tumor. And now, I don't even know what to call it..perma-tumor. That's about right. Is there a specialist I can see about my specific case? My neurosuregon sees so many patients, and very few are similiar to me. Same with my oncologist. Is there anyone out there who can really help me? In the meantime, I'm resorting to liquid encouragement.

You know, sometimes I ponder on how much the doctors know. Yes, they are only human and they do make mistakes. But even more than that, they must see more things they've never dealt with before. They can't be experts on everything. We are our own experts. No one knows me better than myself. I think I baffle the doctors more than anything. Why can't I be my own doctor? I sure wouldn't mind being paid like my doctors have been paid. What have I paid them for anyway? Experimental treatments? I can do that too, and just as good. Tonight, margaritas. Tomorrow, strawberry daquiris,  Next day, pina coladas. If that doesn't work, I always have my wine.

The only way I can get through this right now is through humor. I really don't have much else left. Don't get me wrong though. I am very grateful to still be alive. I struggle through a lot, but I manage. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I know I will have those frustrating days. I guess I'm just bothered that seeing my doctors brought me down again. I was trying to be so positive. And I was getting through it. But I guess reality does hit us hard sometimes. So, instead of riding the rollercoaster (and getting so sick from vertigo) I am taking a seat on the park bench and eating cotton candy. I love that pink, fluffy goodness of nothing but sugar! Maybe I will return from la-la-land tomorrow, with a better attitude. And I will find a better ride to be on.