Food Challenge #2

My husband was not joking. He is giving me a weekly food challenge. I'm wondering if I should try and make a bad dish, and then he would stop the challenge...probably not. I know this is all out of fun. I guess we need to spice up our lives here and there, no pun intended!

One thing I do want to tell you about my cooking style is that I try and make things the easiest for me in the kitchen, for obvious reasons. So, you will notice that I use things (as much as possible) that require as little preparation needed. I know having fresh herbs and spices would taste better, but I prefer to use the dried versions. I love using the minced garlic in a jar. So much better for me! I'd rather sacrifice a little bit of taste instead of a little bit of my fingers. My family needs me...to continue cooking for them. Also, I try and cook with the healthiest choices I can. I use wheat breads, pastas, and brown rice as much as I can. I am not a professional chef, just a professional Mom trying to add variety to meals and life. If you choose to make any of my recipes, please do so...at your own risk.

This week's challenge: ground pork, sunflower seeds, grapes, bread. Here's what I made:

Fiery Pork Meatballs and Spicy Gravy, with Grape Salad


MEATBALLS:
1 tsp canola oil
1 lb ground pork
2 andouille sausage links, chopped
2 slices wheat bread, torn into small pieces
1 egg
2 tbsp dried minced onion
1 tbsp dried rosemary
2 tsp hot sauce
1 tsp salt
1 tsp black pepper
1 poblano pepper, chopped
1 tbsp olive oil
1 pkg wide egg noodles


GRAVY:
2 tbsp flour
2 cups beef broth
1 tsp curry powder
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper


SALAD:
1 head romaine lettuce, washed and chopped
1/4 cup shelled sunflower seeds
1 cup red and green seedless grapes, halved
1 tomato, cut into wedges
1 cucumber, peeled and sliced
2 green onions, thinly sliced
1/4 cup gorgonzola cheese, crumbled
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
1/4 cup olive oil
1 tsp lemon juice
1 tsp dried italian seasoning




Heat oven to 350 degrees.
Heat canola oil in a small skillet to medium heat. Add poblano pepper and cook until tender, about 5 minutes.
In a large pot, boil 2-3 qts water. Season water with salt and add egg noodles. Cook until al dente, about 10 minutes.
In a large mixing bowl add poblano pepper, ground pork, andouille sausage, bread, egg, onion, rosemary, hot sauce, salt and pepper. Mix well and form into small meatballs.
Heat olive oil in a large nonstick skillet to medium high heat. Add meatballs and cook until browned on both sides, about 4 minutes each side. Move to a baking sheet and finish cooking in oven, about 15 minutes.


Add flour to skillet drippings and mix well. Stir for about 2 minutes. Gradually add beef broth until mixture becomes gravy-like consistency. Add curry and cayenne. Season with salt and pepper.


In a large salad bowl, mix romaine, sunflower seeds, grapes, tomatoes, cucumbers, green onions and gorgonzola.
In a small mixing bowl, mix red wine vinegar, olive oil, lemon juice, italian seasoning until emulsified. Season with salt and pepper. Add to salad to toss lightly to coat.


Serve meatballs and gravy over wide egg noodle pasta.
Enjoy!

Childhood Memories

Today we are going to our niece's seventh birthday party. She is having it at a roller skating rink and it made me think about my childhood. There were a couple things we did growing up that I have fond memories of. One of them was going to Skate City. We always had such a blast! How much more fun can you have puttting on a pair of used, beat-up, raggedy roller skates and go round and round a rink! I loved swaying to the music (that was always my favorite part), moving my feet back and forth while the colored lights danced around me. Although, I never got real good at roller skating, like some people there who could do all sorts of tricks. I don't think I could even skate backwards. I didn't care too much about that. It was fun just being there. We would be at the roller skating rink for hours everytime we went. I'm sure we went at least once a month. It was a great way for my Mom and Dad to get all the children out of the house. It seems like we always went there in the winter. During the summertime, we would roller skate on the back porch. We would play our cassette tapes of Olivia Newton John on the boom box and skate all day long. Aahh, the good 'ole days!

I'm not sure if we having a roller skating rink near where we live. It's funny when you think about things you did growing up, how you think they were so cheesy looking back on them. But today, they are still in style. I was looking online for a roller skating picture and was surprised to see there are roller skating clubs and competitions. Who would have thought it would be such a cool fad? Most of my childhood was spent in the 80's, and I thought it was the worst decade to grow up in. I had always wished I grew up in the 50's. Everything seemed to be so simple back then. But then I realize I'd have to live through the 70's and that changes my thoughts on which decade was the worst. I'm glad I was a baby in the 70's!

I don't think I'll be roller skating today. I don't have the best balance these days! Some days I wonder how I get through the day walking without falling down. I don't think putting wheels on my feet would be the best for me! I will be watching all the kids skate around the rink, dancing to the music, moving with the laser lights, and trying not to fall down. I do enjoy doing something that brings back good memories. Oh how we love to re-live those moments! It will be fun!

Thank Goodness

I love being a Mother. The job that comes along with it isn't always that easy. What am I saying? It is rarely easy!! Don't get me wrong though. I absolutely love my family and would do anything (and most of the time everything) for them. But since I've been feeling down this week, being a Mother has been difficult. It has been hard to get up every morning, make the school lunches, take my children to school, clean up the house during the day, pick them up from school, take them to their sport activities, make dinner and help them get ready for bed. Somewhere in make a little time for myself. (My husband does help out a lot when he gets home from work. I don't want it to sound like I do everything.) This is my typical day, by-the-way. But the last couple of days I haven't wanted to get out of bed, or clean up the house, or make dinner. I'm sure a lot of Mothers can relate to that. Thank goodness I have my family though. They are the reason I pull myself together and do what I need to to get through each day!

I haven't figured out what my purpose is yet. I once thought it was helping others succeed at work. I was good at that. I have been told that I have great leadership qualities, every since I was in high school. But I never wanted to be more than a Store Manager for a bank. I wanted to retire that way. I loved being able to help develop others in their careers, so they could advance in the company. Never did I want that for myself. But, since life threw me a curveball this past year, what I thought was my purpose went out the window. Maybe my purpose is just to help my children succeed.

I asked my Mom once what she thought her purpose in life is, and she told me she knew it was to have children and raise them. My Mom is a saint! She had eleven children and raised them. I have two children and struggle everyday! My Mom also had a stroke when she was about 45 years old. So, she had to deal with a lot of medical issues like I do now. I was nine years old at the time and didn't quite understand it all. Looking back on it now, I am amazed at how she handled everything. I don't think I ever saw her down. She stayed at home during the day with the children, and worked at night. I can't recall ever seeing her just completely exhausted or drained. Like I said...a saint!

My son is going to be seven years old soon. He doesn't really understand what has happened to me, but knows that there is something wrong. He loves to show everyone the wicked scar on the back of my neck. He thinks it's cool. I don't. I also have to explain to him things I can't do with my hands. He loves to play video games. We have a Wii and he always wants me to play. I have to tell him that I can't even hold the remote, but I'll watch him play. That seems to be a good alternative for him.

The best thing about not going back to work is being able to spend more time than ever with my family. My husband and I both worked full-time so the children had to be in daycare. When my son started kindergarten, we couldn't believe how behind he was mentally and emotionally. Physically he is where he should be. Last summer, since I became a stay-at-home mom, I took on the project of getting him up to speed with school. When he finished kindergarten, he was at a level 1 with reading. They wanted him to be at a level 3. When he started first grade, he was at a level 4 with reading. I worked with him on other things like writing and spelling, but reading was his biggest accomplishment. We still are working with him on emotional issues, but I think that will be a forever work-in-process. I'm still going through that with my 13-year old daughter! It never ends! Eventually it all falls into place. But with my support and direction 100% of the day, it's coming together sooner.

I suppose that my new purpose in life is my family. I am very grateful for them, as they really are helping me through this. Thank goodness especially for my son, Anthony and my daughter, Ashley. They really are great children and I do appreciate that I need to provide for them. I grateful that I still can. I'm glad (most of the time) that they bug me to do things for them. If they didn't, I'd still be in bed. I don't want to leave out my husband, but he can make his own dinner! I'm joking! The first thing he did when he came home yesterday was give me a hug. He knew I needed that after reading my blog yesterday.

So, today I'm better. Thank goodness I have my family. Thank goodness I have the support from everyone in my life. I need it. It will absolutely get my through this.

I'm In Need Of Inspiration

I have decided to let go of some things in my life recently, physically, emotionally and mentally. I'm feeling pretty drained from everything going on in my life and my family's lives right now. I have always been the type of person to take on everything. I always felt that doing it all meant success to me. What can I say about that? Looking back on that now, I know that it not only is impossible but so unrealistic. I mean, where did doing everything get me? Stressed out with having heavy burdens on me, that's where. I can no longer rely on just myself to pull me out of the dumps. I KNOW that there is a higher power that really does have control. It's not me, obviously. I wouldn't have laid out this path in life for me. But, I accept it as I'm confident there is a reason for it. However, today the path is foggy and I can't see five feet in front of me.

I'm really not trying to be negative. I'm just down right now. I try not to have too many of these days as I don't want to be stuck in a rut. But on the other hand, I need to have these kind of days so I can work through the emotions of them. I also know that I will get through all of this, as I have been. Being weak is not in my nature.

Today, I'm in need of some inspiration. I found a quote that made me feel good inside, and I think will get me through whatever I'm feeling...at least for today anyway.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul.
      - Emily Dickenson

When I was working (outside of the home), I had a manager that had an inspirational quote almost everyday. I loved reading them because it was something I could focus on to get my through the day. It may not have applied to what was happening everyday, but it was something that gave a purpose to the day. The best thing about them, was sharing them with my employees. Inspiration comes in many ways and I loved making it a Team effort.

So, today I am sharing my inspiration with you. I cannot get through this alone. I am hopeful that today will be okay, and tomorrow will be better because I do have faith that my prayers of getting me through my life experiences will float up to God. (Yes, I do pray and yes, I do believe in God.) I leave it in His hands.

Today I have hope. Tomorrow I hope to have happiness.

I'm Not A Doctor...But I Should Be Paid Like One

Okay...I'm officially done with my doctors! I need to get off this roller coaster ride immediately. I am going on strike (for at least three months). This picture accurately expresses how I felt on the ride they have taken my on.

I saw my neurosurgeon yesterday, and just as expected he gave me different information and advice than my oncologist. Aren't these people supposed to work together for a greater cause...ME! My oncologist thinks that we need to wait three more months, have another MRI, evaluate it again at that time. Okay, fine. I can deal with that. I've only been dealing with it FOR SIX YEARS!!! What's another three months? I actually prefer for them to not bother me for another six months. But whatever. It's only time. But in her words, "The tumor is not all that impressive." WHAT?! Way to have some compassion, lady! It's a tumor, could still be cancerous, is definitely still growing, has already done major and permanent damage, but it's not significant enough for them to do anything with at this point. Yeah! Heard that before. Then, when the tumor continued to grow it was too big to do cyberknife radiation, so have a second surgery. Now, let me get this straight, it's too small? My neurosurgeon, of course, is opting for the surgery. Oh, big surprise on that one. Imagine that. A surgeon wanting to make more money by doing another surgery. I guess everyone has to make a living somehow...

So these are my options: do nothing (so far this is the one I'm leaning towards), have a THIRD surgery (that may be the death of me, or just permanently paralyze me) or maybe if the tumor continues to grow, cyberknife might be a possibility, but that's undetermined (until it's too late). Do any of these sound remotely positive? Am I being too much of a negative nancy?

AAAHHHHHH! I'm frustrated! Are these my only options? I mean, REALLY? I know this is a rare cancer. And I know it is even more rare that I've had a recurrent tumor. And now, I don't even know what to call it..perma-tumor. That's about right. Is there a specialist I can see about my specific case? My neurosuregon sees so many patients, and very few are similiar to me. Same with my oncologist. Is there anyone out there who can really help me? In the meantime, I'm resorting to liquid encouragement.

You know, sometimes I ponder on how much the doctors know. Yes, they are only human and they do make mistakes. But even more than that, they must see more things they've never dealt with before. They can't be experts on everything. We are our own experts. No one knows me better than myself. I think I baffle the doctors more than anything. Why can't I be my own doctor? I sure wouldn't mind being paid like my doctors have been paid. What have I paid them for anyway? Experimental treatments? I can do that too, and just as good. Tonight, margaritas. Tomorrow, strawberry daquiris,  Next day, pina coladas. If that doesn't work, I always have my wine.

The only way I can get through this right now is through humor. I really don't have much else left. Don't get me wrong though. I am very grateful to still be alive. I struggle through a lot, but I manage. I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I know I will have those frustrating days. I guess I'm just bothered that seeing my doctors brought me down again. I was trying to be so positive. And I was getting through it. But I guess reality does hit us hard sometimes. So, instead of riding the rollercoaster (and getting so sick from vertigo) I am taking a seat on the park bench and eating cotton candy. I love that pink, fluffy goodness of nothing but sugar! Maybe I will return from la-la-land tomorrow, with a better attitude. And I will find a better ride to be on.

And The Winner Is...

It is award season in Hollywood. Does anyone really care? As much as I like to watch movies, I don't care too much about watching the award shows. I usually just check out the results. The only reason I care to pay any attention at all, is to see which movies I should watch. Of course, these are not the only movies I watch throughout the year, but it gives me a good idea of the ones that are worth watching.

We don't go see very many movies in the theaters. I think last year we saw a total of five movies at the theater. That was more than I've seen in the last two years put together. There are several reasons for this. One of them is I can't stand to pay the price, even for the early shows. By the time you get your tickets, drinks and popcorn you've spent a good amount of money, and it's not always worth it. Another reason is I don't always like to be around a bunch of people, in a small space. I so enjoy the comforts of my own home. Wasn't the point of getting the big-screen t.v. to seem like we were at the movies?

We have DVDs sent in the mail to us. It is so convenient. And if we get a movie that wasn't all that entertaining, we really haven't wasted a lot of money. However, this is losing its appeal as the prices keep getting raised! So, I wait for the majority of movies to be released on DVD before I see them. In the last year we've had 75 movies sent to us. I think I can say we've saved a lot of money by watching these movies from our own couch. And the food, drinks and company have been better than what the theater can provide us.

The main reason I love to watch movies is because of the great escape they provide from my own life, even if it is only for 90 minutes. I do like to watch the movies that are based on true-life stories but I think my favorite movies are the sci-fi/fantasy ones. We all need an escape from our own lives every now-and-then, right? What is it about Hollywood that draws us in? Art imitating life?

Movies can give us the platform for so many emotions, even if we don't want to deal with those same emotions in life. That's what I like about them. It's movies I find appealing, not celebrities. However, celebrity lives make me feel so much better about my own. As for this year's award nominations, I have only seen a couple of the movies already. The rest are in my DVD list to be mailed to me. I will wait patiently for their availability.

There's Only One Left, And It's The Big One

After 25 weeks of watching football on Sunday, it has come down to only one game left. Okay, I know there is still the ProBowl next Sunday, but who really watches that? It's not the same as watching your team fight for a win. And really, I've only been watching 20 weeks, because who really cares about Preseason either? They don't really count in the big picture anyway.

As much hype as the SuperBowl has, there is still a little disappointment. My team (Denver Broncos) did not make it to the SuperBowl. They didn't even make the playoffs, and if you ask me they didn't even show up to most of their games this season. The two teams I thought would make it to the SuperBowl (New England Patriots and Atlanta Falcons) didn't make it either. Instead the two teams I didn't want to be in the SuperBowl (Pittsburgh Steelers and Green Bay Packers) are in the biggest game of the year. No offense to those fans. We all have our favorites and not-so-favorite teams to cheer on.

However, I will still watch it. There are those commercials to see and the half-time show...actually I don't care too much about those either. For me, it's the finale to the ups and downs of the football season. It is the last Sunday (for now) that we will be having the delicious food, that isn't always good for us: chicken wings, cheesy bread sticks, nachos, chips and dips galore. It's the end to that wonderful feeling we have when the official football season starts in September, with the leaves turning colors, falling off the trees and the air becomes crisp. It's the end to watching football on Sunday when the weather changes to winter conditions, and we snuggle up on the coach, watching our team play in the snow, while we eat our chili. It is the last hooray for us.

I love to watch NFL football. It is my favorite sport to watch, although it never used to be. My husband and I began a competition between each other years ago. It was a way for me to get more into football. And it was something I wanted to do, because I love that it was something we could do together, spending time together, and just being together. Let's face it. Most guys are into football, and it is something they will probably never give up. So if you can't beat them...join them. For our competition, we pick teams (starting with the regular season) each week. We pick which teams we think will win that week. The most wins per week earns you a point. The person who has the most weeks won at the end of the season is the ultimate winner. And the prize is determined by the winner. It can be whatever. The last several years the prize has always been dinner and a movie date. And the loser has to pay. And the winner gets to choose what restaurant and what movie.

We are pretty even with wins. We've been doing this for...I don't even know how many years. I've lost count. Anyway, this year I have won! Yea for me!! After my husband has won two years in a row, I have finally conquered again! I love that I am able to give him some competition on a sport I wasn't completely into. The only team I've really watched is the Denver Broncos. Growing up, we watched the Broncos as a family. It is one of my favorite memories! Now, I try and keep up with all the teams, players, and rules. But I'm still learning.

This year I would like to change up the winning prize. So, Jason, I would like for you to pay for a trip to Blackhawk for me and you. (I only take $100 to gamble with, and he will need to provide this.) The last time I went with my two sisters I won $150, so this could be a good thing! Jason, you will also have to pay for lunch at the buffet for us. You will also have to arrange babysitting, and pick the day that will work best for us to go. Nothing major here, right? I think I deserve a prize like this. :)

The big question here is "What are we going to do on Sundays now?"

Dinner: (Without A Recipe) Impossible

I love to cook. I really do. There are times when I feel like it's a chore, but once I start cooking, I feel good about it. And there are things I absolutely love to cook because I know my family loves that meal. I also like to experiment every now-and-then with new recipes. I don't really like to have the same meals every month. I like variety in my life I suppose, and I definitely don't want my family to get tired of me cooking the same thing over and over.

I do like to watch food network and get inspired from some of the chefs. They always make it look so easy and it makes me want to cook different styles and cultures of food. I also get the Rachel Ray magazine and it gives me new ideas that sometimes becomes part of our family cookbook. But there are those recipes that we have tried that never make it, and instead get thrown away. But that doesn't stop me from trying. We are in that stage with our son to try different foods. He is six years old and has a very limited palette. His staples: pizza, macaroni and cheese, chicken strips, hot dogs, corn dogs and hamburgers. We haven't been successful yet in getting him to eat the same thing as us all the time. But we have made some strides towards that when I make a pasta dish like spaghetti and meatballs or lasagna.

I love to watch "Dinner: Impossible" and "Chopped" on food network. It always surprises me to see what they come up on the spot, with only a few ingredients they are given. And they are so creative. And, of course, when the dishes are completed they are such masterpieces.

I would say that I am a pretty good cook. Give me a recipe and I can cook it just fine. Lately, I've been changing up my recipes. If there is an ingredient I don't want to use, I leave it out and substitute something else in its place. I've changed things up to our own tastes. I love being creative with food, as long as I have a recipe to follow.

Yesterday, my husband decided to throw me a food challenge. I have no idea why. Maybe he wanted to change things up with dinnertime? I have no clue. He gave me a list of seven ingredients and I had to make something for dinner with them. The list he gave me: chicken, potatoes, beans, red onion, bell pepper, cream and wine. The rules: I could use any kind of chicken, potatoes, beans, bell pepper and wine. I have access to the pantry items, of course. I could use other ingredients if I wanted. I couldn't use my crock-pot or rotisserie oven (nothing that made it too easy for me). The wine had to be used in the dish. (I couldn't have it just as a glass of wine, shucks!) And I couldn't make something I've made before or look up a recipe for ideas. It had to come from my head. Oh man! I hope we have a back-up for dinner. Frozen pizza?

I don't think I've ever taken some ingredients and just thrown them together. Well, maybe I have but it has never turned out good. I've always followed a recipe. Again, I'm not that creative. I spent all day trying to figure out what I was going to make. I went to the store to get some inspiration. Still, not much came to mind. I tried to recall something I saw on all those food shows I watch. Nothing! Finally, I just decided to start cooking. Here's what I used:

1 lb chicken tenders
2 tbsp olive oil
3 russet potatoes, sliced into 1/4-inch discs
1/4 cup flour
2 tsp dried italian seasoning
2 tsp dried basil
1 tbsp shredded parmesan cheese
1 tsp ancho chile powder
1/4 cup chicken broth
1 can northern white beans, rinsed and drained
1/4 red onion, sliced into thin strips
1 mango, diced
1 red bell pepper, sliced into thin strips
1/2 cup heavy cream
1/2 cup Hoyt Cellars Apricot Sauvignon Blanc (this was the easy part)


Here's what I did:

Heat 1 tbsp oil in medium skillet over medium-high heat. Season potatoes with salt and pepper. Cook potato discs enough to brown on each side, about 3 minutes each side. Place in a baking dish, add italian seasoning and finish cooking in oven at 300 degrees, about 15 minutes.
Cook mango, ancho chile powder and wine in a small saucepan until softened and reduced, about 10 minutes. Add mango mixture to potatoes and top with parmesan cheese.
Heat 1 tbsp oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Season chicken with salt and pepper and coat with flour. Add chicken to skillet and cook until browned and no longer pink, about 10 minutes. Add red onion and red bell pepper, and saute for 3 minutes. Add chicken broth and stir for 1 minute. Add cream and cook until sauce is thickened, about 3 minutes. Add basil and beans to chicken mixture, and cook until beans are heated through, about 2 minutes.
Serve and enjoy!

Okay, so it's probably not food network, chef Robert Irvine quality. But it turned out pretty good. That is what the critics said. My husband said it was so good, he is going to have this challenge for me once a week! Thank you, Jason! The funny thing is what I had in my mind when I first started making it was totally different than what actually turned out. It was a little stressful at first, but I just drank a glass of wine while making dinner and voila! I was pretty sure I wasn't going to be "Chopped". My family needs me to keep cooking.

I am going to pay a little more attention to food network this week and take notes. Hopefully next week's dinner will be even better!

Let's Brighten Up Our Lives

So I have decided to revamp my life...sort of. I guess it's more of a tweaking than a complete make-over. I'm not trying to change things drastically in my life. That's already been done for me. I have just been on this kick to improve things in my life that I do have control over. The first phase was "Operation: Clean Out My Life". That was a success, but I'm sure will be revisited this summer just in time for another yard sale. The next phase is "Operation: Brighten Up My Life". We deployed this in November when we decided to repaint most of the interior of our house. Needless to say this project lasted longer than we wanted it to. The results of these projects are very rewarding, however I keep asking myself why I decide to take on such enormous challenges. Like I need more things in my life to deal with? But I guess that will always be the ultimate question never answered...why do we do certain things in our lives?

We bought our house almost nine years ago. We have not really done much to it to make it more of our home, until just recently. We have done some improvements: new carpet and tiled the bathroom floors. We did paint our son's bedroom before he was born. It was supposed to be a baby blue color but turned out to be a very, very light blue. It looked white. If we told you we painted it, you'd probably say "Really?" It was that light. You couldn't even tell we spent several days slaving over the paint job. I was pregnant at the time, and so it really wasn't that fun. That's probably why it's been that long since we painted. Not really a good experience the last time. My husband did paint our bedroom, right after I had my first surgery almost 6 years ago so I was of absolutely no help. I did pick out the color, which in the store looked like a lemon custard color. But, once again, when the job was complete we looked at the walls wondering where the paint went. So that's all the painting we had done in the house. Most of the walls in our house are white. There were only two rooms that the previous owners had painted. My daughter's bedroom is truly a baby blue color, and the t.v. room is a light brown color. Everything else...white. Not much color in our lives!

So, in early November we decided it was time to add some color to our home and our lives. We went to Home Depot and stood at the wall of color swatches. And we stood there, and we stood there like a deer in headlights wondering what to choose. We took several of the color books they conveniently have on hand. We took that home, and I think I held up every color there was in the book to every wall we were going to paint. I decided on several colors, then a few days later changed my mind, then a few days after that changed my mind back to my original choices. Ugh! Why was this so hard? Any color we pick will not look the same as in the store anyway. (Isn't that so true of so many things!)

I told my husband to just go to the store and pick out the colors I chose. "Hurry, quick before I change my mind again!" I'm not too happy it was up to me anyway to pick out the colors, but I guess he knows me and that's how it was going to be. Now it was me to blame if the color didn't turn out right. Lovely! We got all the paint we needed for the kitchen, dining area, t.v. room, living room, hallway, both kids bedrooms and our bedroom and bathroom. 3200 square feet of wall surface area, and 1800 square feet of ceiling surface area!! No turning back now. Our monstrosity of a "fun family project" was about to begin. When would it end? Who knows?

Our plan was to have it complete by Thanksgiving. Well, we really didn't think through how much time was actually needed. I mean, there's prepping involved. There's moving furniture and taping. There's touch-up required time. Then there's more touch-up time. Then there's clean-up time. And then of course you have to put everything back together again. We can't live weeks with the house, especiallythe kitchen, in shambles. I just planned on painting the walls for goodness sakes! Of course we didn't get it all completed by Thanksgiving. But we got enough of it done to enjoy the holiday. We decided to wait on painting the bedrooms until after the Holidays, so we could actually enjoy them.

New Year's Eve sounded like a fabulous day to start up again. And so, we spent a long four-day weekend trying to finish up what we started. We could get the rest done in that amount of time, right? Wrong-o! Last weekend (mid-January) we finally finished painting. Something we thought we could finish in three weeks, took two months. Wow! We were a little off on the timing. I don't think we will ever take on a painting project like that EVER again! It was suppsoed to be fun, but I think half of the time we were all bickering at each other. I might start saving now to hire a professional painter for the next time. As I look at the outside of our house, I notice it may need to be painted this summer. (Big sigh!)

With all that being said and done, our kitchen and dining area are now "moonlight grey", the living room, t.v. room and hallway are "autumn haze", the kids' bedrooms are now "sapphire blue" and our bedroom and bathroom are "antique yellow". I love how the colors look and sound. I think it makes us all feel so good. My children feel like they have brand new rooms to live in. We definately have brightened up our home and made it ours. Sure, it took nine years to do it, but we got it done! I'm not sure when I want to do the next project, but as we feel the need to improve our lives, I'm sure we'll think of something.

Why Do We Have So Much Stuff?

Late last summer, I decided to deploy "Operation: Clean Out My Life". I don't know if my brain was starting to be affected from all the radiation treatments for my cancer, but I thought I'd take on a HUGE project of cleaning out every nook and cranny in my house. Who cares if I didn't have the energy to really do it. I was on a mission, and I would not let that get in the way of becoming clutter-free. By-the-way, this picture is not from my house, but it might as well been.

Have you ever really noticed how much stuff we acquire throughout our lives? As I was cleaning out closets, drawers and cabinets I found stuff that surprised me. I mean, when did we get all this stuff and why did we get it in the first place? I had to dust off so much of it. Obviously we did not even need most of it. We hardly used it. Why do the closets and cabinets have those deep, dark crevices? That's where it all ended up! Did I really like making my own bread with that clunker of a bread-machine? And that enormous fryer that took at least an hour to heat up! Snowboards that got used once, maybe twice! It all sounded fun to have at first, but now...not so much. Stacks of hundreds of CD's! Who needs those now when you have itunes? I can be rid of those for good!

We have a crawl-space in our house where we hide all the junk we don't want anymore. It was packed with bags of clothes, furniture that was never going to be antique, boxes of toys that barely got played with. Stuff, stuff and more stuff. I can't even tell what else was in there because it was just piled up high! So, we decided to clean it out, donate some of it and have a yard sale. It was nice to have some extra money at that time, but the best thing was getting rid of things we no longer had a need for in our lives.

I couldn't believe how decluttering took a weight off my shoulders. Our crawl-space is actually pretty big. I never realized it until you can see from one side to the other. It has so much room in there now. It was so nice to be able to get out the Christmas decorations without manuevering around piles of junk. There's nothing like having things organized.

Since I have a hard time using my hands, I have been trying to find things that can help me out, especially in the kitchen. I love my crock-pot! What a life-saver and time-saver it is!! I got a griddler for Christmas, which takes the place of my george foreman. (I can place that in the next yard sale box!) I love it. It can do so much more, and way easier to clean up. Today, I got my new rotisserie oven shipped to me. I can't wait to cook all sorts of things with it! I'm hoping that in a few years I don't look back on it wondering, "Why did I get this?" Well, I guess we always need some stuff.

If You Could Do Things Over Again, Would You?

I have mentioned a little bit about my daughter, but there is so much more to her that I would like to share. I am very hesitant about this because I've never been much into sharing a lot about me and my family, and definately not via social networks. I consider myself to be a private person, except to those that are REALLY close to me. And that is a very small circle of friends and family that I trust. So many people have invited me to be on facebook, but I could never seem to join and start spewing all sorts of information about myself. I was even hesitant to start a blog because I just don't want the whole world to know my business. However, in the past year I have had to change A LOT about what I do, and it has definately changed A LOT about how I think. So, I have found that this process of "sharing" has actually been theraputic for me on so many different levels. And with that being said, let me tell you about my 13 year-old daughter.

She has always been my sweet, little, beautiful girl. She is my only daughter, so that already makes her special to me. When she was a baby I called her the "velcro baby" because she was always attached at my hip. She never wanted to leave my side, or have me out of her sight. Ever since she was born, everyone always told us we look exactly alike. As she was growing up, she looked like me when I was that age. I then started calling her "mini me" because she really is, even though that is scary sometimes. When she began school, she was really shy and not very outgoing. I decided to put her in some activities that may bring out more social skills in her. (I'm now trying to figure out how to turn off so much of the social bug in her.) She took dance and ice skating classes when she was 4 years old . After a year of driving her back and forth, I decided she needed to pick one activity. And she chose to stay in dance. 9 years later, she is still dancing, and doing every type of dance class imaginable! And she is really good at it!

Lately, she is going through the funky teenage crap. She is still sweet and beautiful, but not so little anymore. I know that at some point we all have to let our children grow up. I'm just not ready at this point to watch her grow up making mistakes I could have helped prevent. She has A's and B's in school (when the report card comes home) but there are times when she forgets to turn in homework on time. This makes her grades go down and then she has to work harder getting the grades back up. Like middle school isn't hard enough? I don't know if she feels like she needs to challenge herself, but it majorly stresses me out! No matter how many times we try and help her, she choses to take her own path and do things her way. Even when her way proves to not work, she continues to ignore our advice. Just recently I've decided to finally cut the cord (with a little push from my husband) and let her make her own mistakes without me having a say in what she does. It's one of the hardest things I've done. Maybe it is the only way she will truly learn the right path. It's just so painful to watch.

I always look back on my childhood in these situations with my daughter. I know I made plenty of mistakes when I was a teenager, but my mistakes happened was when I was already in high school, getting ready to go to college and then afterward being in college, when I didn't have my parents around to give me that guidance. I look back now on what my parents always tried to teach me. How foolish I was to ignore it. They really were just looking out for my best interests. I know that now and I want to shout it out and HOPE my daughter hears it, listens to it, and follows it. (I'll wake up soon. I just want 5 more minutes in this dream!)

I'm also a true believer that things happen for a reason. If I didn't make those mistakes, would I be able to guide my daughter any better? Would I have been a better person if I didn't stray from the path? Does experience equal knowledge? Would I want to have a "do-over"? Would you?

As I reflect on my mistakes, I often wonder what my life would have been like if I did it differently. I don't wish for it to be different. But I do believe that if my life was completely peachy-keen, I wouldn't be the strong person I became and continue to be, because I found my way from the bottom of the mountain to the top of it. However, I secretly wish I became the oceanographer so I could swim with the dolphins, even if it was just for a day! :)

Maybe this is what my daughter needs. Maybe I am holding her back from overcoming that giant obstacle in life (whatever that may be). If she can't do it on her own now, when will she be able to? I know I can't always be right next to her, so I have to let go eventually.

I just want you, daughter, to go for your dream (whatever you chose it to be). Make good decisions. Make yourself proud. Never give up. I love you Ashley!

When Life Gives You A Bunch Of Sour Grapes...

I have never been a crafty or creative person. I have brothers and sisters that always were the artistic ones in the family. It seemed they could draw anything on a piece of paper and turn it into a masterpiece, make something fabulous from a piece of fabric that you could see sold in stores, or make sweet music from a few notes that you know could be heard on the radio. Even my husband and daughter are creative. My husband can take a piece of wood and turn it into a beautiful piece of furniture or a decorative bowl that sits on your kitchen table. My daughter can dance her heart out on stage that makes you feel like she is in her own broadway show. Me? I've always been the "bookworm" in school. I was always into my studies and participating in sports growing up. I could never make anything. I never thought I had the creative juices flowing through my brain, until three years ago.

My husband got me a wine-making kit one Christmas. I'm not really sure what his thought process was to even get me that. Maybe he got tired of us going to the liquor store every week to buy wine for me. I started with the smaller bottles, and then I worked my way up to the economy-sized ones. Maybe he thought we were spending too much on those bottles of wine, and this was a way to help save money. Or maybe he thought I'd have fun making my own wine. Either way, I think he knew I was still going to drink wine.

It took me several months to do something with the wine-making kit. I kept looking at it wondering, "Do I really want to do the work to make the wine that I so enjoy?" So, finally, my husband convinced me to try it. Once we made our first wine batch, and let it age the appropriate amount of time, we sampled the "fruit of our labor". It was actually pretty decent. So I drank it. My husband is not a wine-drinker, so the wine was really just for me. It did take me a couple of months to finish off the wine we made, so don't think I'm that much of a lush. Anyway, when that was gone we realized we didn't have anymore ready to drink. So, we knew we would need to have a system of wine-making where we would not have a shortage at any given time. This began the creation of my ingenuity.

Wine-making is one of my hobbies. But even more than that, I love that I am able to change something that starts off as one thing and ends up as something else. I never thought I was someone who could make something with my own hands. But, as it turns out, I am.

Isn't it interesting how we go through life thinking of ourselves in a certain way? As we grow, we change. As we change, our lives change. Isn't it amazing how our lives change? I've been making my own wine for three years now. I've gotten a lot better at each wine I make. Last year I was not able to make as much wine as I wanted to because of the cancer. There were three months that I didn't make anything. This year, I've commited to making more wine than I've ever made. (I don't plan on drinking it all this year.)

I love having a passion about something and diving into it. I love that I can make something and enjoy the results of what I made. I love that we can be creative even within our own passions. I want to savour what I've done because if I can't, who will? Life has thrown me more sour grapes...and I'm going to make wine out of them! :)

What's Your Word?

I recently watched this movie (and read the book) where a woman was on a quest to figure out her life. She was also searching for a word that would sum up her life, one word to define who she is. Although I can relate to what this woman was trying to figure out in life, I didn't quite get that part. Why would we only want to define ourselves by just one word? We are such complex people. Can we really have one word that, when said, becomes the inner light shining through us? With all the emotions we experience everyday, what word could there be to describe who we really are? As I thought more about it, I realized I was reading too much into it, taking it too literally I suppose. It's not a word to define who we are, but who we strive to be.

What would my word be? Most people would probably say "positive". I think that is true, for the most part but I consider that more of a state-of-mind. I could say "accept" but I think that is just dealing with things as they happen. I think I would prefer my word to be "adaptive". No matter what happens to me, no matter what I think or feel, I strive to adapt to it all. I cannot change what has happened to me in my life, nor do I feel I have any control over what will come from it. The one thing that is certain is how I respond to it. The one thing I can count on is how I adapt to it. To me that word describes my action to it all.

I don't look at adapting to something or someone as a change, which often times has a negative vibe. Adapting is positive and accepting, and it is a way of moving forward...progress. I also think it is finding balance and harmony. Isn't that what we all need in life?

So, what's your word? What do you strive for?

Get Busy Living

The other day I was reading our small local newspaper. I got to the end and decided to read through the obituaries. I noticed that some of them would say how the person passed away and some would say that the person "went to be with our Lord". I thought to myself how would I like my obituary to read. I know. This all sounds morbid, but somedays this is where my mind is. Why can't we just say, "died while living their life" or "passed away peaceful, but with a giant smile on their face" or "went to face our Lord with open arms, as they had already accomplished everything they wanted to here". Do I really want my life to be defined by "fought cancer for years". Why can't I just say, "Stubborn woman refused to let cancer take over her life, so she lived it for everything it was worth."

Last summer I went through seven weeks of not-so-fabulous radiation treatments. Last week I had an MRI to check up on how that all went. Unfortunately my Oncologist didn't have good news for me. The tumor is still there at good 'ole C4. Even worse news is that an area from about C2-C6 had the healthy cells destroyed. I knew that was a risk. Every treatment you have has some risks. The options for me have dwindled down. I can have the surgery again for a third time (no thank you) or have cyberknife, which is a higher dosage of radiation targeted specifically at the tumor. The problem with the second option is I may not be able to have the full dosage because my radiation treatments were "fairly recent". I thought to myself, "what's the point?" Why put me through that if it's the full dosage I need? Why put me through something like that with less guarantee than you can give a patient who hasn't had this treatment before. I know nothing is a guarantee. I guess I'm tired of playing "let's see if this works. If not, we'll just spin the wheel again and what it lands on." How about the mystery prize? Nah. Not feeling it. Don't want to take a gamble on my life anymore. How about the trip to freedom...for awhile anyway.

I am supposed to see my Neurosurgeon next week. I'm sure the surgery will be talked about to me again. but at this point I don't want to cross my fingers just hoping "third time's a charm". Isn't third time a HUGE risk? Good thing my life insurance is paid up! (Bad joke!) Anyway, I had to tell my daughter what's going on. She's been asking me several times in the last week and I just couldn't bring myself to tell her. But I finally did today. I told her that at this point I'm just not going to worry about it anymore. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. These are the cards I've been dealt in life. I have to accept it. I can no longer put all my chips in the pot and hope the perfect hand comes out when the river card is dealt.

One of my favorite movies is The Shawshank Redemption. My new motto is "Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying." Well, I'm not dying today, tomorrow, or even this year. I've decided to get busy living my life, without the worries of some tumor that thinks I will just lay down and die. I am a stubborn woman and nobody or nothing will determine how I'm going to live my life. I will not be defined by cancer. My sister doesn't call me the "cancer bitch" for nothing. I don't mind that by-the-way, but I will however be defined by other things as well. I will be defined by my accomplishments. That is...for another blog...another day.

Six Words Guaranteed To Be Heard Everyday

"What are you making for dinner?" These are the words I hear everyday from my 13-year old daughter. I don't think she's missed a day asking me for the last six months. I've come to expect them even. They usually are asked within 1 hour of the kids coming home from school. Once asked, I say to myself, "There's my cue. I must get to work. Don't want to keep the bosses waiting for the feast they will have tonight."

Some of my favorite memories growing up involve the family in the kitchen, creating the assembly line to help make those delicious tamales. We all helped out. It seemed like we were always in the kitchen, or eating. I guess that is the stage my kids are in right now...always eating. How did my Mom do it?

It's not that I mind cooking. It is one of my favorite things to do. I once wanted to go to culinary school and learn how to be one of those great chefs you see on t.v. these days. Of course, my life took another direction based on things I chose to do..and not do. When I was a working mom, I used to love to come home and cook for my family. It relaxed me. I was able to wind down from work by chopping up vegetables. Or maybe that was frustration coming out. Nothing like having a glass of wine while preparing the meal your family will devour in a matter of minutes. Solitude for yourself, if only for a few moments out of the day.

Now, things have changed slightly. Maybe it's the way it's asked of me. "What are YOU making for dinner?" Why can't it be, "What are we having for dinner?" Or even, "What can I help you with for dinner?" Aaahh...listen as the words make that whip-cracking sound. Get to work, Servant Mom. Drop everything you are doing because my needs are way more important than anything you have going on. I know I went to the store this week and got snack foods for the kids to eat after school. They're not completely helpless, are they? They can reach into the cupboard or fruit drawer and grabbed something to tide them over for several hours...can't they?

I sound like a new Mother. For goodness sakes, my daughter is 13 and my son is almost 7. It's not like I adopted them last week. However, I am learning how to be a stay-at-home Mom for the first time in my life. What once was solitude is now slavery in the kitchen. Have you ever had a hobby that you made into a business? It's no longer fun, it's mundane. It's like someone just slapped me across the face while saying, "Welcome to Motherhood. This is what you asked for, right? This is what you wanted, right?"

Since my surgery last April, I have REQUIRED help, with almost everything. I lost most of the dexterity in my hands, and the majority of my body is numb. Asking for help is my least favorite thing to do. I can't feel anything with my hands. I rely on what I see to know what I'm doing. I can't write very well, or even type well. It takes me double the amount of time to do anything someone else can do with ease. Typing these blogs has taken at least an hour each time. So, making dinner for my family has become...well...interesting. This is a monumental task. I try not to use knives. Imagine. Can't feel the knife in your hand. Can't really hold the knife very well. Try to cut something round with it, like most fruits and vegetables are. Could be disasterous! I really don't need another medical issue to deal with. That's where my family comes in handy. Even still, I must give at least a 2-hour window to ensure dinner will be ready on time. Dinner at 6:00, preparation begins at 4:00. And this is with Rachel Ray's 30 minute meals! Forget making a fabulous, to-die-for dinner. Not that it matters. Would it be savored anymore than the "quick-fix, one-pot meals"? Doubtful. That's probably why I don't make them. Five or six hours in the kitchen? For what? To watch how quickly the food disappears from the plates?

Anyway, I'm waiting for my daughter to be a little more helpful in the kitchen. I mean, she's 13. She gets it, right? Didn't I get it when I was that age? As for now, I know it is wishful thinking. For now, I just deal with it. It's Sunday and almost lunchtime. My family is wanting to know, "What are you making for lunch?"

From SuperMom to Servant Mom

Almost six years ago I was diagnosed with an ependymoma, which is a neurological tumor. Mine is called an intramedullary ependymoma, which means the tumor grows inside my spinal cord. These types of tumors only account for 2-4% of all intrinsic tumors in the central nervous system, much less than even brain tumors. And about 1.1 out of 100,000 people are diagnosed with this.  I had surgery to remove the massive tumor that was renting space from C2-C7 in the cervical area of my spinal cord. (The cervical area is only from C1-C8.) I was told there was a possibility it could grow back, and guess what?...it did. Last year another tumor was found. This time I was told it was cancer. Even though this is a recurrent tumor, I only claim to have been diagnosed with cancer last year. It's probably because that's how the doctor's treated it.

After the first surgery I went back to work, after 2 weeks in a rehabilitation center and 2 months of at-home physical and occupational therapy. I did have some difficulties and impairments, but I was not going to let that stop me from being SuperMom. I had a 7-year old daughter and a 1-year old son at the time. And of course, I had my husband. I WAS going to still be that "working mother by day, SuperMom at night" kind of person. I worked a 50+ hour/week job that would escalate me to success as the career woman I wanted to be, needed to be for my family. I would be a co-provider financially, and an ideal wife every man wants: do the laundry, clean the house, cook the meals, take care of the children, and still have time for him at night (if you know what I mean) all in a day's work. And I was, for the most part. Okay the house wasn't always that clean on a daily basis, and maybe sometimes I let the clothes sit in the dryer all week, and maybe my husband didn't get the attention he always wanted. But I was still bound and determined to do it all!

Last year, I had a second surgery to remove the recurrent tumor that was renting space again, but never seemed to pay-up! This time it was only growing from C4-C5, much smaller than the first but still just as annoying and troublesome. The worst part of it all was the tumors had done their damage to me, permanently! Whatever function I gained back after the first surgery, I lost once again. I had to give up my career that I worked for almost 10 years doing. That may not have seemed so bad...not having to work for someone again. There are some advantages to that I suppose. Little did I know my world was going to change drastically. I would now be working for...MY FAMILY! Hardest job ever! And imagine doing this job with major permanent impairments like not having full use of your hands! How can I get through it?

As I continue to blog, I will dive into what my daily life is like with the disabilities I have. I know there are lessons to be learned throughout this process. I'm ready to start figuring them out, and maybe I can help someone out along the way...whoever that may be. Even if it is just me, that's okay. I need all the help I can get at this point! :)

What is it about us?

Today is the first day of my blogging experience. I can thank my two sisters, imperfect me and phynyxrising, for getting me involved in the quest. I'm not sure if we have even set a timeframe for this experience. A year? Maybe it is just until we have figured out whatever it is we are searching for. Well, of course that could be a lifetime. I sure hope I don't develop carpal tunnel during the course of this journey we are taking together.

So, I haven't really specified even to myself what it is I'm trying to get out of this blog. Maybe it is just a way for me to understand myself a little bit more. Maybe it's just to understand more of what my life has become this past year, and what lies ahead of me. I am not on a search to find out why things happen to me, but what needs to come from it.

This past year I was diagnosed with cancer. Unfortunately, it is very rare and hasn't had much research done on it. Not enough is known about this type of cancer and how it truly behaves and affects its victims. So, right now, I am living proof of it, but also somewhat of a guinea pig for treatments. As I continue to blog, I will talk more about my disease and what I experience everyday. Right now, it is a lot to explain at once and even more difficult to understand, even for me. Believe me, the lion roars on a daily basis, sometimes a little too loud, sometimes a little too aggressively. And I suppose this will be my outlet for that too.

So for today, I will just say...what is the true meaning of life? What is it about us that makes our lives?