If You Could Do Things Over Again, Would You?

I have mentioned a little bit about my daughter, but there is so much more to her that I would like to share. I am very hesitant about this because I've never been much into sharing a lot about me and my family, and definately not via social networks. I consider myself to be a private person, except to those that are REALLY close to me. And that is a very small circle of friends and family that I trust. So many people have invited me to be on facebook, but I could never seem to join and start spewing all sorts of information about myself. I was even hesitant to start a blog because I just don't want the whole world to know my business. However, in the past year I have had to change A LOT about what I do, and it has definately changed A LOT about how I think. So, I have found that this process of "sharing" has actually been theraputic for me on so many different levels. And with that being said, let me tell you about my 13 year-old daughter.

She has always been my sweet, little, beautiful girl. She is my only daughter, so that already makes her special to me. When she was a baby I called her the "velcro baby" because she was always attached at my hip. She never wanted to leave my side, or have me out of her sight. Ever since she was born, everyone always told us we look exactly alike. As she was growing up, she looked like me when I was that age. I then started calling her "mini me" because she really is, even though that is scary sometimes. When she began school, she was really shy and not very outgoing. I decided to put her in some activities that may bring out more social skills in her. (I'm now trying to figure out how to turn off so much of the social bug in her.) She took dance and ice skating classes when she was 4 years old . After a year of driving her back and forth, I decided she needed to pick one activity. And she chose to stay in dance. 9 years later, she is still dancing, and doing every type of dance class imaginable! And she is really good at it!

Lately, she is going through the funky teenage crap. She is still sweet and beautiful, but not so little anymore. I know that at some point we all have to let our children grow up. I'm just not ready at this point to watch her grow up making mistakes I could have helped prevent. She has A's and B's in school (when the report card comes home) but there are times when she forgets to turn in homework on time. This makes her grades go down and then she has to work harder getting the grades back up. Like middle school isn't hard enough? I don't know if she feels like she needs to challenge herself, but it majorly stresses me out! No matter how many times we try and help her, she choses to take her own path and do things her way. Even when her way proves to not work, she continues to ignore our advice. Just recently I've decided to finally cut the cord (with a little push from my husband) and let her make her own mistakes without me having a say in what she does. It's one of the hardest things I've done. Maybe it is the only way she will truly learn the right path. It's just so painful to watch.

I always look back on my childhood in these situations with my daughter. I know I made plenty of mistakes when I was a teenager, but my mistakes happened was when I was already in high school, getting ready to go to college and then afterward being in college, when I didn't have my parents around to give me that guidance. I look back now on what my parents always tried to teach me. How foolish I was to ignore it. They really were just looking out for my best interests. I know that now and I want to shout it out and HOPE my daughter hears it, listens to it, and follows it. (I'll wake up soon. I just want 5 more minutes in this dream!)

I'm also a true believer that things happen for a reason. If I didn't make those mistakes, would I be able to guide my daughter any better? Would I have been a better person if I didn't stray from the path? Does experience equal knowledge? Would I want to have a "do-over"? Would you?

As I reflect on my mistakes, I often wonder what my life would have been like if I did it differently. I don't wish for it to be different. But I do believe that if my life was completely peachy-keen, I wouldn't be the strong person I became and continue to be, because I found my way from the bottom of the mountain to the top of it. However, I secretly wish I became the oceanographer so I could swim with the dolphins, even if it was just for a day! :)

Maybe this is what my daughter needs. Maybe I am holding her back from overcoming that giant obstacle in life (whatever that may be). If she can't do it on her own now, when will she be able to? I know I can't always be right next to her, so I have to let go eventually.

I just want you, daughter, to go for your dream (whatever you chose it to be). Make good decisions. Make yourself proud. Never give up. I love you Ashley!