Get Busy Living

The other day I was reading our small local newspaper. I got to the end and decided to read through the obituaries. I noticed that some of them would say how the person passed away and some would say that the person "went to be with our Lord". I thought to myself how would I like my obituary to read. I know. This all sounds morbid, but somedays this is where my mind is. Why can't we just say, "died while living their life" or "passed away peaceful, but with a giant smile on their face" or "went to face our Lord with open arms, as they had already accomplished everything they wanted to here". Do I really want my life to be defined by "fought cancer for years". Why can't I just say, "Stubborn woman refused to let cancer take over her life, so she lived it for everything it was worth."

Last summer I went through seven weeks of not-so-fabulous radiation treatments. Last week I had an MRI to check up on how that all went. Unfortunately my Oncologist didn't have good news for me. The tumor is still there at good 'ole C4. Even worse news is that an area from about C2-C6 had the healthy cells destroyed. I knew that was a risk. Every treatment you have has some risks. The options for me have dwindled down. I can have the surgery again for a third time (no thank you) or have cyberknife, which is a higher dosage of radiation targeted specifically at the tumor. The problem with the second option is I may not be able to have the full dosage because my radiation treatments were "fairly recent". I thought to myself, "what's the point?" Why put me through that if it's the full dosage I need? Why put me through something like that with less guarantee than you can give a patient who hasn't had this treatment before. I know nothing is a guarantee. I guess I'm tired of playing "let's see if this works. If not, we'll just spin the wheel again and what it lands on." How about the mystery prize? Nah. Not feeling it. Don't want to take a gamble on my life anymore. How about the trip to freedom...for awhile anyway.

I am supposed to see my Neurosurgeon next week. I'm sure the surgery will be talked about to me again. but at this point I don't want to cross my fingers just hoping "third time's a charm". Isn't third time a HUGE risk? Good thing my life insurance is paid up! (Bad joke!) Anyway, I had to tell my daughter what's going on. She's been asking me several times in the last week and I just couldn't bring myself to tell her. But I finally did today. I told her that at this point I'm just not going to worry about it anymore. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it. These are the cards I've been dealt in life. I have to accept it. I can no longer put all my chips in the pot and hope the perfect hand comes out when the river card is dealt.

One of my favorite movies is The Shawshank Redemption. My new motto is "Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying." Well, I'm not dying today, tomorrow, or even this year. I've decided to get busy living my life, without the worries of some tumor that thinks I will just lay down and die. I am a stubborn woman and nobody or nothing will determine how I'm going to live my life. I will not be defined by cancer. My sister doesn't call me the "cancer bitch" for nothing. I don't mind that by-the-way, but I will however be defined by other things as well. I will be defined by my accomplishments. That is...for another blog...another day.